And there's that smile!
by CuteMcBeauty
Summary: Emma sees Killian fall. She holds him in her arms... he looks lifeless and cold. He's gone... and her mind wanders in thoughts of what could have been.


Mind the head! Oh god, mind the head!

Things always hit me at the very last moment. Normally this isn't a problem, I just usually flip it off and say, "Oh, well, just in time!" I learn my lesson, never admit to anyone how wrong I was and move on.

But this time it's different. You're not breathing. You're cold and wet, you have no pulse... holy shit, you're not breathing!

Is this is? Is this the end of your abnormally long, three hundred year run? I know no one who lives to be fifty and look this good, let alone three hundred, it's humanly impossible. Are you even human? You look human, you feel human. Or should I be speaking in past tense? Should I say that all of these things are part of the past and that you are, in fact, dead?

Are you dead, Killian? Has your time finally come? Have you chosen to take your leave now, only now, when I have finally come to terms with the fact that you're kind of like... a part of me?

Oh, for fuck's sake, you're so cold, what the hell am I supposed to do now?

I feel everything I have done to keep you a safe distance away from me has been a colossal error. Aw crap... this always happens. Graham died in my arms, just when I had finally caved in. Then Neal... Now it's you I'm losing. The other two felt like someone had taken a piece of my heart out and set light to it... but this feels like my whole heart is being crushed by that witch. Literally, my whole heart. Shit, Killian, were you my True Love all this time? Is that why I can't see you like this?

Oh, breathe, baby, for the love of god... BREATHE!

Can you feel me touching your face? I can feel your stubble on the palm of my hand and your skin feels desperately cold. It hurts, Killian, it hurts bad. You took this blow for me, to save me, always doing things, wrong or right, to prove your love for me... and all I keep doing is pushing you away... well, this is why. All who come too close wind up where you are now... on the floor, in my arms, cold, lifeless... breathless.

I'm suddenly missing your smarmy comments that usually drive me up the wall. I'd do anything to hear you call me "Swan" or "Savior"... Heck, I can even do with you telling me about "Jabbing me with your sword", cheesy as it was... It was you. And your lips are sealed shut. Cursed... God, I have wanted those lips so badly but never let you know. Why? Because I'd lose my stance. So damn proud, so arrogant... and here you are... Now that I am hoping for a taste of them, or for a sound from them, they sit still, cold, lifeless, sealed.

Still, no breath, no sign of life. That's it. You're gone, aren't you? I've lost you...

I never noticed the scar on your right cheek. Where did it come from? Was it when you got hit by that car? Or was it there when we met? Funny, your hair and eyebrows are pitch black, like a raven's wings, but your beard is slightly reddish and brown and irregular at either side. How did you always keep it so cropped without actually shaving? Did you ever shave in the time I knew you? And I never noticed your ears... like an elf's ears. Pointy... small... kind of cute in a strange way. You look so young still, Killian... Just how old were you when you made time stop for you in Neverland? Thirty four? Thirty five? You look roughly there. What shall I write on your tombstone? When where you born? Just how old are you, really?

Ok, I feel the tears coming on.

You look so beautiful now... your eyes closed, at peace... not that tormented scorn you seemed to tragically wear in the past few days. Maybe death will bring you what I could not: comfort, ease... God I should have been the one to provide you with all that! You should have been the one to provide me with all that too! What the hell were we thinking, pirate?

All that pointless bickering...

I hate to think that you laid your life down for me and that the last honest words you heard from me were "I can't trust you." I saw the hurt in your eyes, Killian, and I hate thinking now that this will be the last memory I have of them gazing back into mine; Hurting, stung and bluer than their usual, deep blue. They're closed shut now and... I can't see the blue in them anymore.

Were your lashes always this long? This beautiful?

God, why didn't I see all these things before? I knew you were kind of cute, but... never this gorgeous. This face I hold in my hands now, dead, lifeless... and the most handsome face in all the known universe.

Ok, the tears are really flowing now... Your hand is so cold, Killian. So, so cold... Your hand is so... beautiful. Like an artist's hand. I never noticed you wore three rings, never noticed the one on your thumb... the soft brush of black hair on each finger... I never asked you if you missed your other hand; being "Captain Hook" seemed to sit so well with you; you wore the name with pride, didn't you, you pirate? You fucking, beautiful, boozing, one handed pirate?

Were you even a pirate anymore? Was it just my stupid, stupid brain that just couldn't remove that tag from under your face? You worked so hard to impress me and all I could say was "I don't trust you"?

My own son had to eat a tinged turnover to make me believe... and you had to die for me to see how much I need you... how much I miss you... how much I just... love you.

Loved.

My god, you're gone. You're GONE! Why now? Why Killian?

I am sorry Killian Jones! So sorry for all the wasted moments. So sorry for walking away from you when you intended to bond with me. Sorry for the nasty comments (you were hurting so bad when Neal died as well... the whole "leather conditioner and eyeliner thing was COMPLETELY out of line); sorry for making your hook disappear, I swear I was just joking, but I can see where hiding a man's prosthetic limb would be pretty uncomfortable... I just wanted to get you to smile that time, you looked so somber... I am sorry for allowing my parents to grill you over the message Neal sent you, I could see in your eyes you were telling the truth, but I was so angry over what happened with Henry... I'm also sorry you're not going to spend more time with him, he really liked you, you taught him how to make nautical knots and he was going on about that for weeks. I should have seen it in his eyes, if not through my own... I'm sorry I doubted you... you crossed realms to find me, sold your ship (I know how fond you were of her, that bitch...) and forfeited your pirate's life for me... I know you liked piracy, it was no secret. I am sorry for not kissing you more, for not touching your hand; especially when it's the one hand you have... had, and it's such a beautiful hand and...

I am sorry I didn't open up to you the way you did to me. I am sorry I denied you that chance for your happy ending. I am sorry I denied myself that same happy ending, because you were it. You were my happy ending. And I ended our happy ending with my pride, Killian. I am so, so sorry.

I'll miss you terribly, I know that now. I am missing you already... I can hear your voice in my ear, that British accent of yours, how you peppered the word "love" every now and then... How subdued and sad you could sound and still so sensual and snarky when you were flirting with me. I won't deny it now, it always, always made me weak in the knees. I will miss your smile; maybe I never said it, but you probably had the most beautiful smile I had ever seen. It lit up the room, Killian. I will miss your laughter, your sighs and your heavy breathing when you concentrated on something. God, your eyes... I will miss that beautiful blue of theirs, staring warmly into mine. I will miss how you felt, your lips pressed to mine, warm, wanting, hungry, I will miss how you shuddered when we pulled apart and how your heart sped up as your hand touched the back of my head... I will miss your messy, soft black hair, always out of place but never out of place.

I will miss you. All of you... the gentleman, the pirate, the friend, the confidant, the babysitter, the hero... the love of my life.

Lifeless and still, cold and breathless... and I never loved you more than I do now... so curse or no curse, please, just let me kiss you goodbye... At least. It's the only thing I can think of to make up for two years of being such an asshole to you. To hell with my power, you gave your life for me so I don't care...

Shit. Even now, they're so still, so hard... your lips. I swear I remember them differently, pressed against my own. They were made to fit together...

Wait... what the hell...?

Are you... breathing?

"Swan..."

And there's that smile... Thank god for that smile!


End file.
